I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
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He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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