Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
