how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
