My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
