I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
