So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
