Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.