Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.