New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.