when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
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You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
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I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.