My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍