I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won