I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
