my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
