Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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