The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
