don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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