So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
