you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
