his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
