i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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