Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
