I think my fart just growled at me.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
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The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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