he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
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...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
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After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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