Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
