I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
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his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
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My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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