3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
