What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
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I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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