I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just wanna be euthanized