So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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