Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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