I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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