You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm both gender and math confused
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
