Don't make out with my wife yet
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe