Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
