i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.