This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?