Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
