my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
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i just snorted my name. best moment ever
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
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You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.