hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.