I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.