I could make wine with my vomit
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
