In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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