My liver just broke up with me...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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