Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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