he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
