I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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