I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
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wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
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Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me