every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist