i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
