My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.