I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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