My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I think I won the penis lottery.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?