Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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