I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
