His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
