She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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