I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
