he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
